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Cornelius Brown
'Cornelius Incognito Brown '(born 11 October 1991) is the future Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, the Commonwealth and leader of the Liberal Democrat Party. Brown will become Prime Minister in June 2017, after the removal of William Pitt the Toddler. Immediately before this he served as Head of MI5, MI6, MI7 and got lost on the M1. Previously Brown had served with great distinction in Sheeba as a hired mercenary fighting the Jordi Rebels on the side of the infamous Red Faction. Brown has a PhD in Circus Skills and Politics from the University of Hull, and spent his early career learning the 'tricks of the trade' living with his father, Gordon Brown, at 10 Downing Street. He has been an honoury Member of Parliament since June 2007; first for Croydon South, then Croydon West and currently for the District of Pembrokeshire, Wales. As future PM, he holds the offices of First Lord of the Treasury, Minister for the Civil Service, Secretary of State, Secretary General, the Fuhrer and the President of the West Yorkshire Amateur Trainspotting Association. Brown's time as Head of the Combined Secret Services was marked by major crackdowns on foreign nationals, mainly Jewish, Irish, French, German, Australian and Antarctican "terrorists suspects". He is also famed for the introduction of the 99p coin, which brought the greatest economic depression in Mainland Europe for over a decade as the value of the Euro plummeted to below 3p, and the introduction of the London "Environmentally Friendly" Pink Bus Service. Despite early low opinion polls, Brown has steadily risen in popularity throughout his career as mercenary-turned politician and is predicted to be the finest Prime Minister the UK has, and ever will, have. With him at the helm, the Liberal Democrats have experienced the greatest rise of popularity in the party's history, winning numerous cake-baking contests as well as local by-elections, co-inciding coincidentally with a record number of lottery wins. Brown lives with his famously fat ginger tom, George, and supermodel fiancée, Sarah Rose, in Polesden Lacey, Surrey. Early Life London Era Cornelius Brown was born at St. Heliers Hospital, Carshalton, in the distinctly late hours of the 11th October 1991. His father is James Gordon Brown (previous PM) and his mother of the same name. Growing up in the tough urban neighbourhood of Raynes Park, London, Cornelius quickly perfected the arts of lying, cheating, propaganda-ing and fishing that would later prove invaluable to his later career options. It was while growing up in London that Cornelius inherited his father's deep and unrelenting hatred of 4x4's, dogs, car alarms, and Irishmen. It was also during his childhood in London that he happened upon a young Scarlet Lewis, who would later become the First Lady to the Cap'n of the Future Yugoslavian Republic of Somalia. Surrey Era Brown went to secondary school at the infamous state run Imperial College of Death and Dentristry, then known as the Howard of Effingham School. Taking a keen interest in History, Politics and Death Studies, Brown became the School Council Chairman and presided over the faction known as Neeks Corner. As a well known institution, the Howard was the meeting place of numerous future world leaders; those included Barack Obama, Nicolas Sarkozy, Vladimir Putin, Robert Mugabe Mickelwright, Rev. Dave and Nathan Farrell. It was here he also met his future fiancée, Sarah Rose, and proposed to her on 11 September 2009. It was while playing for his school's year nine Death Squad team, the Fluffies, that he picked up a life-long recurring knee injury in his right leg. The Mercenary Years Somalia and "Brown's Babes" Upon graduating with distinction from the University of Hull, Brown was reunited with his old friend Nathan Farrell, when he decided to join the lucrative mercenary business, joining the Security and Strategy Corporation (SSC) to fight the War on Terror. Both men, upon completion of their rigourous training, were parachuted into Somalia, then home of the infamous drug baroness Samantha Abdullah Hollingshead Abdullah, tasked with her assassination. This completed, and despite the accidental destruction of a tribal village by the US Marines sent to assist them in their mission, the pair were flown back to England and Brown recieved the rank of Colonel. Brown and Farrell so impressed their superiors that they were assigned to a top secret MI6 taskforce, nicknamed "Brown's Babes", located in Kuwait, to fight the enemies of the United Kingdom. War on Terror The pair's first mission, code-named Operation Possible Mutation, involved the smuggling of three MK. XXVIII nuclear warheads into Baghdad's Presidential Palace in preperation for the U.N.'s Security Council's surprise inspection. These were the weapons apparently found by the Commission on the eve of the Allied invasion of Iraq in 2003 - however, due to the secrecy of this mission, little concrete facts have emerged from MI6 over the handling of the operation. Throughout the years of the 'War on Terror', Brown and Farrell fought in Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Burma and Palestine. It is also rumoured that they were contracted to help fight insurgents in Sri Lanka, Israel and Syria around this time. The pair became synonymous for their gold-plated assault rifles and pistols, as well as the reinforced carbon-fibre face masks and dodgy American accents. Shortly before leaving SSC to start his career in politics, Brown was promoted to Lieutenant-Colonel and offered a substantial pay rise, of which he famously refused on account of the fact that "he'd be paid well enough when he was PM". Farrell was also promoted, to the rank of General, and continued to rise in importance through the company until he became the Director-General of SSC in 2009. Rise to power Secret Services Under the Labour government's Combined State Security Act (2010), the secret services of the United Kingdom (MI5 and MI6) were united together under the title of "MI7". Brown was appointed, as Chairman, to head this new, combined organisation almost as soon as he had left SSC, and quickly set about establishing MI7 as the world's most efficient, ruthless, and creative international investigative body. To this end, he appointed a young Rev Dave to the post of Deputy Chairman, and employed the services of his old comrade Nathan Farrell as Chief of Intelligence, a post that to this day Brown still finds ironic. Brown chaired MI7 for three years. His term as Chairman was characterised by a severe clampdown on immigration, the suggestion of the introduction of the 99p coin, and the first draft of the Parliamentary bill that would later become the London Pink Busses Act (2013). Leader of the Liberal Democrats Brown became the Liberal Democrat MP for South Croydon in 2014 after the previous MP, Sir Stanley Mortimer Freshbud-Smythe, had died of having too long a surname. In the local by-electional cake-decoration contest the following year, he became MP of West Croydon, having impressed the local councillors with the delicate icing decorations of his Victoria Sponge. It soon became clear to everybody within the party that Brown had an ambition to become leader, and was subsequently the first and only candidate to put forward his name for the Liberal Democrat leadership contest in 2016. Unanimously voted in as party leader, Brown became the youngest ever leader of a major political party in the UK's history, at the age of only 24. General Election (2017) When PM William Pitt the Toddler apparently babbled his consent to there being a General Election in the May of 2017, Brown declared at the party conference in Swansea that "a new, bright, shining era" would emerge for the party, promising "a glorious victory" over their rivals. His speech, lasting a record 19 hours 47 minutes, has became an iconic modern political manuscript and secured Brown's reputation as one of the world's finest modern orators. In an exhausting campaign trail that took him, quite literally, from John O' Groats to Lands End (via Norwich), Brown regularly gave thrilling speeches to crowds in excess of 4 people, gaining hours upon hours of critical media attention that he was winning away from the New Labour and Conservative parties. The Liberal Democrats won the General Election with the biggest tally of seats in the House of Commons ever; a total of 422 seats, while the New Labour and Conservative parties suffered their worst ever election results, with 68 seats and 117 seats respectively. Upon becoming Prime Minister, Brown thanked "the people of Britain for making the correct decision" and pledged "a future of brightness, enterprise, economic boom and chocolate". Brown was also awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 2017 for his best-selling book, entitled "On Liberty, Republicism and other words I've made up to sound clever". Time in Office (2017 - 2031) Brown won a record four terms in office for the Liberal Democrats before retiring; 2017 - 2021, 2021 - 2025, 2025 - 2029, and 2029 - 2031). By the end of his reign, Brown has transformed the political culture of Britain, turning it from a corrupt, representative democracy to a Liberalist Police State. Parliament was banned from opening on any day apart from Tuesday's, when a member of the Cabinet would turn up at 9am in the morning just to make sure things were running smoothly, then leave at 12.30pm. Brown's reign as PM was characterised by the abolishment of trade unions (except the British Union of Miners, known as BUM), 4x4's, dogs, stamp collecting, Jehovah's Witnesses, cold-calling services, Derby County Football Club, and Morrisons. Brown retired from public life in 2031 due to medical conditions, mainly his dodgy right knee. He was replaced by the Deputy Leader of the Liberal Democrat party, Austin Flanagan, who later became Chancellor Flanagan at the removal of the British Royal Family (known as "Happy Hour") and the formation of the People's Republic of Great Britain and Ireland. Cornelius Brown currently works as Editor-in-Cheif for the state-run newspaper, The Daily Watermelon. He lives in Polsedon Lacey, Surrey, with his wife Sarah Rose and their three children; William Brown, Helen Brown and Matthew "Muddy" Brown. Brown is also a lifetime member of the Chelsea Football Club's Directorship, and holds a season ticket with the club.